just need to talk

A student I had in class last year committed suicide this weekend. I'm struggling. Every time I talk about it I start crying and I don't know why. I had him for only a few short weeks before he was expelled from school for the last few weeks of his eighth grade year. One day in class he showed me his AA coin for having been 6 months sober as an 8th grader. He smiled a lot. He was smart... really smart. But he was expelled because he built a bong in my art class. Funny, right? He built a bong in art class. As a scene in a movie it would be hilarious. However, it ended up getting him kicked out of school (that and a list of many other problems he was having.)

I'm feeling heartbroken, but I don't think it's just about him. I've been thinking a lot lately about why I started teaching. It was about changing the lives of kids and though I know his death isn't my responsibility it has started me thinking about the students I have in class now. What are their lives like before they get to my classroom? What happens to them when they get home? Do they know that someone loves them? Is there someone telling them they are special and they have worth? Do they make me crazy most days? Most definitely. Do they make bad decisions most days? Oh yeah. But does that make them any less deserving of love? Some days I treat them that way. What happens to a kid who is never told that they are loved and who isn't told they have worth? I don't know, but I don't want to see it happen to another one of my students.